Monday, June 28, 2010

Checking In After Too Long...

Well, the project of my last entry some 3 months ago went nowhere.  I haven't lost a single pound, in fact I fluctuate upward a pound or two.  I guess I just don't have the mindset I cultivated last year which enabled me to reach the goal I set.  I feel good where I am, I like the way my clothes fit, I like the way I feel when I move.  The notion that I could feel even better, look better....seems greedy somehow.  I feel like I should be grateful to have accomplished what I did last year, enjoy where I am. 

My chief issue is exercise.  I still can't make it what I want it to be: an integral part of my day, like brushing my teeth, drinking tea.  Even though I know that exercise has far-reaching, almost amazing benefits. Not only for weight loss and maintenance, but for mood issues, cognitive health, longevity - quality and quantity of life.  To read the latest research, getting a variety of exercise is a panacea.

I know all this.  And still it's a struggle getting myself away from writing, from making art, from reading - getting myself up and moving.  I shall keep trying, though.
I've been feeling pretty stressed lately - after my winterlong retreat (which was wonderfully relaxing and recharging, I plan to do it again) I began to accrue commitments and responsibilities that, when listed, floored me.  I wasn't supposed to do that.

And my house is pretty cluttered, especially my work areas, and that's just a big energy suck.

I listed all that I'm doing, many projects, deadlines, events that culminate in the fall.  Here's what I wrote in my journal about that:

Still feeling overwhelmed, but realizing that I have a choice about how I look at these things.  I realized  that this is exactly what happens when I’m faced with decluttering.  I am constantly seeing the whole picture of what must be done and it is overwhelming.  I really need to understand how to focus on parts of the big picture.  Otherwise I am stunned and paralyzed. Inertia.  There must be something positive about being able to visualize the whole of things, so I don’t want to lose that ability.  I just want to control it. Otherwise I’m just doomed to feeling the hopelessness of trying to accomplish it all.

A full and rich life will have a wide range of details and activities, I think.  Do I really want it all to be finished and have nothing scheduled, nothing to be involved in creating?  Of course not.  I have to learn how to view the richness of my life in a different way.  And that’s a start, right there...using the phrase ‘the richness of my life’ instead of thinking of it as ‘the overwhelming number of things I’m committed to doing.’

And there you go - that's what I'm thinking about today.


Blogger Kristin said...

zann, i feel the same way...i look at all of it and feel overwhelmed. how are you doing with using that for good instead of for inertia?

11:36 AM, July 16, 2010  
Blogger 'Zann said...

Kris - I'm doing a bit better. The thing is it has to be a constant conscious effort to reframe my situation. My default is 'overwhelmed.'

So I need to stay present and mindful - which is a good thing in any case - in order to think of my life in the most positive way.
Does that make sense?

12:06 PM, July 16, 2010  
Blogger Kristin said...

i didn't used to feel that overwhelmed feeling but since moving to atlanta i have. several reasons but one i i don't feel confident about driving outside of my neighborhood. i havn't had to depend on others to get around forever. i don't like it. but don't feel good about braving the traffic. this busted a is making it hard to type. more later.

11:28 PM, July 17, 2010  
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10:26 PM, August 02, 2010  

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